Youth Bureau News

Honesty, openness aids parent-child relations

By Marnie Annese

   Onondaga County Youth Bureau

            With kids heading back to school, it seems a good time to remind parents how important it is to communicate with their children.  Many of you probably experienced the challenges associated with “back to school.”  Disagreements about everything including clothing choices, hair styles/length, cell phones and mp3 players seem fairly common at the end of the summer.

            For the most part, that’s all normal.  Young people try to assert their independence and parents try to protect and guide – no matter what age.  Kids, like most adults, just want to fit in – to feel as though they belong.  It’s that desire that leads them to look to their peers for friendship and information.  However, you may be surprised to know that most kids still count on their parents for affection, identification, social and moral values, and help in solving big problems or making important decisions.  There are several steps you can take to make sure you are the source of the most crucial information and assistance for your child.

            First, create the kind of welcoming and open environment that will encourage them to talk to you.  Think about the people you most enjoy spending time with and the places you like to go.  Are there clues in those relationships that can help make your child want to spend time with you?  Most of us want someone who will listen to us without passing judgment.  We want someone who will be honest and direct with us.  Your child wants this, too.

            Second, share your own beliefs and values.  Contrary to what a lot of parents think, children do want to know what their parents stand for – what they believe in.  Our parents give us the foundation for our moral compass.  When you talk to your children, use words they’ll understand.  Don’t threaten.  It’s important to let them know what you value and to tell them that you hope they’ll value it, too.

            When talking with your child about difficult topics such as substance abuse or uncomfortable topics such as sexuality, start early.  From their youngest ages, our children are receiving messages from the television, the radio, their siblings, peers, other family members, etc.  It can be confusing, so it’s important that from the start, you are making sure they are getting the messages you want them to receive.  Use “teachable moments” to start the conversation.

            Start early, but continue through the preteen and teen years.  You may think that because they look like adults and spend a lot of time with their friends that you have no influence or that they don’t need your help.  Because they are spending less time with you and more time with other people and other sources of information, it’s important that you are giving them accurate, factual information that they can trust.  It also helps to let them know they can talk to you about their troubles and concerns.

            Local education consultant, speaker and author, Kate Thomsen, M.S., C.A.S. recently published a book entitled “Parenting Preteens with a Purpose – Navigating the Middle Years” (Search Institute Press, 2008).  In the book, Thomsen advises, “Establishing good communication with your [child] is the first step in making sure your relationship…is solid.  Try both new and tried-and-true activities together.  Share family rituals.  Simply spend time (not money) together.”

            She goes on to say, “You can help your [child] develop good decision making skills, too.  Talk about positive and negative choices you both observe and hear about in school, at home, at work, and in the community.  Talk about both great and tough experiences your child has with friends, at school, in sports, and in other areas.”

            Finally, Ms. Thomsen warns, “In the absence of positive family and community relationships, [children] may find negative peer groups that make them feel connected and appreciated.”  The good news is that it’s never too late.  It will be more difficult if you haven’t established positive communication with your child early on, but it’s not impossible.  Keep trying!  The results will be worth it.

            Marnie Annese is a program monitor at the Onondaga County’s Department of Aging and Youth’s youth bureau, as well as the youth development specialist.